Emotional
by Jyuune
Summary: " I never saw my father angry. I never saw him sad. I can't even recall seeing him happy. " - A son recollects on his broken relationship with his detached father and his torn mother.  subliminal S/U, ooc


A/N: Long time reader, first time writer.

I am fascinated by the idea of the destruction of Vulcan putting Spock in a vulnerable position with his emotions and his personal connection to his friends and family. While this characterization of Spock will not be canon and perhaps is OOC of him, the idea of Spock falling deeper into his Vulcan "logic" to control his traumatic stress after the loss of his mother and his people is a great plot device to work with. I think that with Spock being half human, it would be difficult for him to walk away from the tragedy without the fear of losing others around him. Coupled with the stress of being torn between dedication to his Vulcan people and human half... Its a cocktail for potential self destruction.

So, in this story, I played with the idea through a dysfunctional relationship with his son. I won't say much, I'll let the story speak for itself.

* * *

I never saw my father angry. I never saw him sad. I can't even recall seeing him happy. My father always made sure to hide that from me as a child as if showing me any emotion would compromise my development. He would look at me and nod curtly if he approved of what I did, or he would be stoic and silent - rigid and detached if he disapproved. He never risked showing me his human side; a side that only my mother saw, a side that my mother never shared with me.

Like it was a secret that she made sure to keep from me.

She knew we never bonded. She knew he kept his distance from me… she knew and she never tried to repair our fragile relationship. Instead, she would simply sigh, stroke my cheek, and say with a bittersweet smile, " He is Vulcan. "

I could always feel my mother's pity in her touch. I could always feel her sadness for me, her hesitation… her confusion. She loves me because I am her son but she _loves_ my father. There's a devotion there that I cannot comprehend, a devotion that I can only envy. Why would she sacrifice me for _him_? Is he not human? Is he not my father? Am I not his son?

My father has never shared his thoughts with me. He has never touched me in a way to let me feel him, to feel his mind, to feel what he feels. The one time we had ever telepathically met, it was an accident and I was no more than six years old. We were walking down one the corridors of the _Enterprise_, the starship I was born on, and I had grabbed his hand to hold. I accidentally ran my fingertips against his and he pulled his hand away as if I had burned him.

The only emotion I had ever felt from my father was _fear_.

Unexplainable _fear_.

" He is Vulcan," my mother would later explain, the first of many. " It is hard for him to show that he loves you." A kiss on my temple. A caress against the slight point of my right ear. " Please, understand, baby."

He is Vulcan. I am not.

I would never understand.

**oo**

" It is difficult for a mix breed to associate with their peers." His cool voice told me when I was ten years old and studying on New Vulcan. " It is even more difficult for you. You are not Vulcan. "

I rubbed the back of my hand against my swollen lower lip and look down at it. Red. Not green but _red_. My ears do not come to a complete point like a Vulcan. My eyebrows are a high arch but not upswept. My skin is a light mocha, not tinged with green, a marker of the blood of a Vulcan like the rest. I am _Human_.

" Why am I here? Why am I not on Earth?"

" The education you would receive on Earth would be inadequate." Logical.

" … They say I am an accident. They say that I do not belong." I whispered. It hurts. My throat was constricted. I wanted to cry. " I am emotional."

" Humans are emotional." He said it like a fact.

" They say you've betrayed the Vulcan people by bonding to a human." I paused, licked my lips, tasted the metallic tinge of my human blood, and looked up at him. He seemed taller, intimidating, and unreal in his robes. " Why?"

He stiffens ever so slightly, enough where I couldn't tell if it was an emotional reaction or if it was reaction to the air. He would never give me the pleasure.

" Marrying your mother…" He paused, searching. He was _searching_ for a word. Hesitation? Was that a _human_ emotion? " … was the logical thing to do."

" Logical…"

" She was pregnant with you and since I was your father it was the only logical choice of action." He glanced down at me from the corner of his eye. I bit my lower lip, blood pulsing onto my tongue. It hurt… but it didn't hurt as much as the words that spilled from his lips, smooth like sweet honey.

I never understood why my mother loved, and to this day, loves him. She shared something with him that I never had the opportunity to know, to share, and to feel. To her, he is her friend, her other half, her mate, her lover, and her husband. To me, he is only my father.

**oo**

I spent seven years of my life on New Vulcan while my parents traveled the stars. In those seven years, my parents visited me sixty two times. In school, I was taunted with the intent of an emotional reaction four hundred thirty six times, out of that amount, they were only successful in two attempts. The first attempt, my father was there to remind me of my place in society. The second attempt, my grandfather was there to remind me that he was grateful. I was sixteen.

" You will always be a child of two worlds," He told me as I nursed my cheek with an icepack. " But, I am grateful for that. I am grateful that you are my grandson."

" Isn't that a sign of emotion?" I raised an eyebrow. A habit; a _Vulcan_ instinct.

" Perhaps." He tells me lightly. " It is logical to feel that way for one's kin."

Logic.

If it was logical, why did my father refuse? My grandfather hypothesized that it was due to being a father at such a young age. I was born ten months, four days, forty-two minutes, and two seconds from the destruction of Vulcan; a child conceived from depression, loss and confusion. There was no _logic_ behind my birth. Maybe it was the lapse in logic that I reminded my father of; that human side he tried so hard to deny.

**oo**

" You're not bonded like the rest."

Her name was T'lau. She was a classmate and candidate for the Vulcan Science Academy. She, like myself, was a candidate for the first new class in seventeen years since the destruction of Vulcan. She was a curious girl, different from the rest; she wasn't afraid to talk to me, rather she was _intrigued_ by me.

" No, I am not." I looked up into her large dark eyes from where she stood above my learning pod. There was so much emotion behind them. " My parents decided that I should find my own mate. My father has refused to bond with me. Why?"

" I'm fascinated with your… genetic background." She arched her right eyebrow. " So I decided to find out." She pointed to her temple and my left eyebrow arched up.

" Did you just look into my mind without my permission?" T'lau crouched down and her thin lips quirk up slightly in a crooked smile. I step closer to the edge of my pod and stare up at her; did she just admit to a crime? " That is against the teachings."

" I regret my actions but I was curious. You are human yet you are Vulcan." She cocked her head to the right. Thick, straight, shoulder length jet-black hair fell into her face and she tucked it behind her ear. " You are swarming with emotion yet you refuse to display them. I am intrigued."

" I am not Vulcan. I am a human."

" Illogical. You are Vulcan. The son of Spock." She stood up. " You are Vulcan."

T'lau slid down into my pod, grabbed my hand and brushed her fingertips against my free hand. I gasped at the contact as she wordlessly stared at me. The sensations are strong and I tried to pull my hand away but she held on tighter. Was this a kiss? Was this how kisses felt like?

" You feel like us. You can see like us. Your mind is like us." She continued rapidly. I could feel her mind – a myriad of curiosity, intrigue, admiration… _attraction_. So overwhelming. In my haze, she brought her other to my face and placed her fingertips on my psi points.

" No!" I pulled back, realizing what she was now attempting to do.

" Why do you resist?"

" What are you trying to do?"

She smiles and whispers, " _V'tosh ka'tur_."

Vulcans without logic. Everything that was opposite of the teachings of Surak.

" Such thoughts are ludicrous. You will be banished." I whisper.

" I feel so much conflict and pain from you. Let me help you take it away."

It was the first time I felt wanted. The first time I had felt like I was accepted. Loved.

She left Vulcan seven months and twelve days after that day. It was said she was banished for her radical beliefs. No one spoke of those who followed _V'tosh ka'tur_; it was always speculation outside of the immediate kin. But, for that short time I spent with the emotional Vulcan it was the most fulfilling experience in my life. For the first time in my seventeen years, I had finally felt happiness. Wanted. Neither Human nor Vulcan. She really did take my pain away, even if it was for a brief moment.

I was not admitted into the Academy. I assumed it was because of my relationship with her, though, it was probably due to my _disadvantage_.

" I do not find fault in you, my son." My father would tell me during an inter-space transmission. " You are human, after all. Following upon your emotions is only logical."

Logic. Emotions.

" You are right," I wanted to yell at him that moment but I kept my face straight, my posture stoic. " It was just my emotions clouding my judgment. I will try harder to control them. "

Confliction. Suffering.

**oo**

I can say that I never saw my father laugh or cry. I can say that in my twenty years, ninety-two days, three hours, twelve minutes, and eight seconds of life that I have never seen my father break his shell and succumb to his human side. Whatever emotion my father had, my mother carried it in her mind, heart, and soul.

But, as I stand here inside of the newly installed holographic rec room on the _Enterprise_, I can _feel_ it. I can feel it because I'm _forcing_ my mind to feel it. Here, in this hot, dry, holographic representation of Vulcan, _his_ homeland, his _escape_. I am tired and I want to _know_. Why did he come here everyday? Why did he hide himself from us? Why did he disapprove of me so much?

_Fear_.

It was always fear.

" What are you doing?" His voice is deep, cold, sharp. I'm quickly shoved form his mind. " You should be in your quarters preparing for your departure to the _U.S.S Excalibu_r."

I joined Starfleet, just like my parents. I became a science officer, just like my father. I fell short of his achievements at the Academy. I never succeeded him. " What are you afraid of?" I ask. He is silent. I ask again.

" It is none of your concern, my son. Now—"

" Why have you not bonded with me? Why do you come here everyday? What are you afraid of?"

He turns around and looks at me. His hands are behind his back, his posture rigid – he's guarding himself from me. We are a mirror image of ourselves.

" I am not…" He closes his eyes. "… Afraid." They open again.

" You're lying."

" Vulcans do no—"

" You are _human_ as well, father! You can lie like the rest of us _humans_." I spit out the words with so much frustration and anger. " I am this way because of that_ human_ half of yours."

When did the word human become such a foul vernacular? Why did we strive to be something we weren't?

" I…" He shifts. " I am not…" He walks past me and to the wall where a panel was displayed. I hear several beeps from the control panel and the simulation ends. Grid lines replace the red soil and rocks of our once ancestral home. " Lieutenant—"

" I am your _son_." I growl in Vulcan with my back to him. " I am not your _subordinate_. I am your _emotional_ mix breed _son_."

My voice echoes against the high walls of the rec room. Emotional mix breed… over and over until it fades away, leaving us in silence. Separated, neither of us willing to turn and face each other. The room becomes cold. We shiver.

" You would never understand." He tells me finally after four point five minutes of silence. His Vulcan is smooth, collected, and unemotional. Not like mine. He could make the language sound beautiful, I made it sound alien. " Not even your mother fully understands." He finishes quickly before I could bring her up. He knew me, he always known me.

I was his son.

" Grandfather said that I should have patience with you." My father was never ready to become one. Twenty-eight was too young for a Vulcan to become a father according to my grandfather. " How long do I have to wait in order for you to finally be my _father_."

" I am your father." They were all excuses.

I turn around. We're face to face now," You are _not_ my father."

" I am your father and you are my son." It rolls off of his tongue so fast just like when he's engaged in an argument with this ship's chief medical officer or its captain. Not when he's disputing with my mother… with her he's calmer, gentler… Not like this. He's defensive. He wants to _win_. Prove himself.

" What are you trying to prove to me? That the galaxy is cruel? That there's no place for people like us?"

" I told you to report to—"

" Why are you _afraid_ of me?"

" I am _not_ afraid of you."

" Then why did you leave me on New Vulcan to be raised by my grandfather and his aides?"

" It was the logical decision. There is no place for a child on a starship."

" You are _wrong_ and you know it. There are countless families on this ship yet you left me there because you are afraid of me."

" That is not true."

" Mother pities me. When I touch her, I can feel her pity for me. What mother has _pity_ for their own son? She mourns for me." I inhale shakily. I'm nervous. I'm emotional. I'm being _human_. " It's _your_ fault."

" You wouldn't understand because you weren't there." He snaps. " You wouldn't understand because you didn't feel it. Billions of souls _ripped_ away."

His voice is shaky… his breathing is ragged. He is… emotional. Compromised.

" That is the past."

" _No!_" He yells.

It shakes me deep inside; I never saw my father emotional. He does not look like the intimidating man in the heavy Vulcan robes when I was a child. He looks like a small, frustrated, man in the science division uniform of Starfleet. He looks… human. Just like me.

" That is not the past. It will always live with me… because… because…" He closes his eyes and exhales. No, he won't give me the luxury in seeing him emotional. " … I am half human. I am… not in control."

I hesitantly walk towards my father. He holds up his hand to keep a distance between us. I don't move any closer; instead, I try to respect his decision.

" I am afraid." He finally admits after a prolonged silence. I can't even keep track of time; my mind is too conflicted, swarming with unspoken emotion. Fear, sadness, anger, resentment… " I am afraid of having you suffer with that same pain. It is a pain… that you can never forget." Love.

He takes one step, then another, until the gap between us is no longer. He slowly lifts his right hand to my face. He hesitates for a second, as if contemplating if he's willing to do this, as if he's waiting for my permission…. and then he places his fingertips on my psi points.

My eyes close the instant our minds become one. I am so overwhelmed with emotion that tears begin to silently fall down my cheeks. I can see it; his undying love for my mother, his depression for the loss of his planet, the regret and _pain_ for the loss of the grandmother I never knew, the regrets, the struggle of clinging to a dying race, his uncertainty as a parent… his fears of having me suffer for his loss. Protection… trying to protect me…

Then… love.

Unspoken _love_.

" I'm sorry, my son…."

I forgive you.


End file.
